Why Relationships Fail
By William S. Cottringer
Last edited: Tuesday, March 04, 2003
Posted: Friday, August 30, 2002
This article explores the seven basic reasons why relationships fail, and what you have to do to avoid failure in these areas.
Why Relationships Fail
by
William Cottringer
Mary and John argue all the time. They can't seem to communicate as well as they used to and they are going in opposite directions with their interests and friends. Both are feeling they are doing all the giving and are wondering if they are even with the right person. Job commutes and money matters are creating extra stresses, which they haven't even begun to deal with.
The couple spends all their time complaining about each other's annoying habits and has forgotten what the initial attraction was. Other pastures are starting to look greener and resistance to temptation is weakening. The relationship is on a downhill slide. Unfortunately, this scenario is a common one. What goes wrong in many relationships such as this on?
Having an intimate, long-term relationship with another human being is both the challenge and the opportunity of a lifetime. Successful relationships offer the most important things in life and even some things you can't get anywhere else.
The rewards range from the peace and contentment of unconditional love and acceptance to the exhilaration and joy of growth, happiness and success. Of course unsuccessful relationships can result in the punishment of unhappiness, heartache, loneliness, anger and poor self-confidence, which in turn, can all interfere with future relationships.
Healthy relationships also offer the fantastic opportunity for both people to "have their cheese and eat it too." Mary and John can experience both the freedom of independence and the security of dependence and both the complete acceptance for who they are, along with the welcome encouragement to become better. They can have romantic love, lusty love, platonic love, utilitarian love, best friend love, and higher love all together. On the other hand, a failed relationship can leave Mary and John wondering if they can ever get any of these things either alone or with someone else.
Why do so many relationships fail? The reasons are discussed below.
Selfishness
Healthy relationships require a natural balance between giving and taking. The more this balance is disturbed in either direction, the greater the uncomfortable feeling that something isn't right. Lopsided selfishness is a core problem that shows up as many different symptoms in unhappy relationships.
The trick is to realize there is only one way to achieve the needed balance and that is to put your stubborn ego aside and take the first step in doing the giving. The simple rule of Karma is when you give you get and when you take you have to give. When John waits for Mary to become more sexually responsive before he is willing to give her want she wants- to be supported emotionally and acknowledged for her other assets- he will be waiting in vain. And naturally, green pastures start looking even greener.
Keeping a balance sheet is another waste of time, because that approach also keeps you from doing what you need to do now, to get back in balance. Of course, if John is doing all the giving he is probably either with the wrong person or hasn't expressed his needs clearly, assertively or frequently enough. Maybe he just complains passively, which gets him nowhere. Or since he is not getting what he wants, he withholds what he thinks Mary wants.
Inequality
We are all really equal and any treatment to the contrary is disrespectful and offends our souls deeply. It also kills any kind of good feelings we might have been trying to give the other person. John's unequal treatment of Mary may show up in the way of a subtle sexist attitude that works its way through the foundation of their relationship like termites. The end result for both people is to imagine more inequality and then look toward greener pastures, which usually doesn't have a happy ending for anyone. Mary starts looking for emotional intimacy and John starts looking for physical affection.
Oddly, inequality is a red flag that should be seen in the beginning of a relationship before there is too much investment. Why didn't Mary see this inequity when first dating John? Did she sense it and just ignore her own intuition? Was she foolishly thinking she could change that aspect of John? Or was she being overly "realistic" and making an unnecessary sacrifice, thinking she couldn't get everything she wanted?
Inequality is not something you are likely to have much success at changing and it is not something you can or should overlook. This just reinforces the importance of making a good selection to begin with, which may be an underlying problem with all these other reasons for failed relationships. Or is it just simply our tendency to be impatient?
Intolerance
We all have many differences and when we focus too much on them, we can easily become irritated. It is important to keep the right perspective. It is the differences between people that make things interesting and challenging. Trying to change all the ways another person is different from you is futile and frustrating. Never the less many people still try to do it.
When Mary complains about John leaving lights on, loading up the hamper with three changes of clothes per day and playing the TV late at night, he just fires back about her credit card spending, coffee cups in the sink and overflowing trash cans. Where does that get either Mary or John? Nowhere, of course.
Healthy relationships require partners to focus on each other's strengths, not minor weaknesses. Unfortunately, time has a way of shifting our focus on the wrong things. Mary has an excellent job, keeps herself appealing, has many interests and is active in community affairs, whereas John makes good money, is a good conversationalist, keeps physically fit and has an overflowing positive attitude about everything. These are the things they should be focusing on, not the minor foibles everyone has.
The bottom line is that we all have bad habits, odd characteristics and other shortcomings that can easily get under another person's skin, and the less we complain about these things in our partner, the less he or she will complain about us. Unfortunately the opposite is usually what happens and once it starts it is difficult to stop. Little, insignificant ant hills have a way of becoming threatening volcanoes.
Incompatibility
Too many couples start out a relationship being so far out of alignment with their characteristics, interests, values and needs, that it doesn't take very long to dissolve whatever the initial attraction was. This is basically a problem in mate selection (impatience) and not something that is worth tolerating. Another problem is when two people allow themselves to grow apart from one another. This situation results in the same consequences- irreconcilable incompatibilities.
Incompatibilities are not likely to disappear and are real sources of unnecessary conflict and unhappiness. For example, If John smoked, was an eternal pessimist, had low energy, tended to be devious, wasn't very smart or educated and was physically unappealing, while on the other hand, Mary was bright, energetic, a non-smoker, attractive, trustworthy, an incurable optimist and highly educated, would they really have a fighting chance?
You might ask why would such an incompatible couple get together in the first place? But the fact is that this is not such an uncommon scenario as you may think or even want to acknowledge for yourself. The myth that opposites attract can be devastating.
Compatibility of moral values, sex drives, recreational interests, intellectual abilities, spiritual development and other basic needs is what makes a relationship enjoyable and comfortable. Unless two people are exceptionally fluid and changeable, what doesn't start out right will end wrong. At the least, the relationship will be uncomfortable and unsatisfying. This is a warning to be more patient in waiting for the right person and to take your time in evaluating the beginning of the relationship with both your head and heart to get what you want and need
Immorality
Healthy relationships are founded on honesty. Without honesty there is no trust and without trust there is no commitment. Without commitment the relationship is merely an "experiment" doomed to fail. Immorality is one of those non-negotiable items in life that many of us struggle ferociously to deny, but sooner or later reality wins out.
Immorality is doing anything intentionally that hurts another person, words included. When Mary catches John lying about finances or where he has been and he lies about those lies, he is implying she is either stupid or not worthy of being told the truth. Either way it is going to hurt and even make her angry. These feelings won't disappear.
Once trust is eroded through lies, infidelity and other forms or immorality, it isn't likely to come back. Immorality is probably the most flagrant violation of the most important rule of human relations: The Golden Rule. What could be a simpler guide than for John and Mary to treat each other the way they both want to be treated themselves? It is so obvious but so widely disregarded. But it can't be disregarded forever.
The mistake is in seeing immorality as a symptom of other more deep-seated problems. It is not a symptom; it is a core cause of relationship failures.
Poor communication
It is almost ironic that it is good communication that usually starts a good relationship, while it is poor communication that most always ends relationships. Mary and John started out talking through the night and now all they do is yell, accuse, complain, deny, rationalize, plot or withdraw. All that they need to talk about festers and boils inside.
Good communication requires intentional listening to respect and understand the other person better, open expression, thinking about what you are saying and why you are trying to say it, and appropriate reactions. It also involves little kindnesses, not always having to be right, the courage to confront potential conflicts and consistent assertiveness.
John needs to start listening to Mary with both ears, take the lead by paying attention to her emotional needs, ask if there is anything more he can do and then learn how to ask for the physical affection he wants in a tender, sincere way. Mary needs to ask for emotional support and acknowledgment of her other assets assertively, without appearing to be complaining and without withholding something as basic as physical affection.
Too often, in the beginning of a relationship something important does not occur. This is the open communication of expectations. It is the assertive communication of basic expectations such as recreational preferences, money management practices, and sex needs, which sets up clear, visible and fair boundaries. It is the unspoken expectations and unclear, unfair, invisible boundaries that, when crossed, start the deterioration of the relationship. Then John and Mary's communication typically escalates into loud, abusive arguing or dwindles into silence and it is just a matter of time before the relationship is over.
The quitting habit
Quitting anything has become so easy these days that it is a difficult habit to stop. With the technology and speed of today, we have learned to want everything now if not sooner. If we don't get what we want immediately, we give up and move onto something else. Taking the time and effort to deal with any little obstacle in our way is viewed as a waste. We even avoid potentially difficult things when we anticipate that we won't get what we want right away.
Relationships can't be easy all the time. They are designed to put is in a safe arena where we can grow as human beings. This can be an uncomfortable, time-consuming process. Part of the design is conflict, which blocks us from getting what we want right away and takes time and effort to resolve. Too many people like John and Mary walk away when the going gets tough. There is nothing to be learned in doing that though.
Mary and John started out on the right foot, but they both allowed their relationship to go South by making many common mistakes. They can't quit yet though, because they really haven't tried. They won't cure the relationship overnight, but by working together on one problem at a time, they will be headed back in the right direction and get immediate satisfaction for their efforts. Without making an effort to resolve their conflicts, they will just be postponing this inevitable requirement and it will confront them again until they eventually get it right.
The chance of a relationship surviving is obviously related to the degree of these other "failures." This is especially true in regards to whether or not the relationship has already gone past the point of no return. But there is an X-factor and this is the willingness of two people to stick it out during the toughest of times and work through the difficult conflicts to get to the other side. With the right desire, even "the point of no return" is merely a temporary perception.
For Mary and John to rebuild their relationship they have to find out how to change their little failures into successes, one by one. Their best starting point is to communicate about their miscommunication and how they both allowed that to occur. And, it is often the little, seemingly insignificant things that have wrecked the most havoc on their relationship, such as Mary insinuating in a heated argument that John was the most negative person she ever met.
There can be no greater accomplishment or reward than turning an uncomfortable, mediocre relationship into a satisfying, flourishing one. Actually, the opportunity will keep coming back until you get it right, so what are you waiting for?
William S. Cottringer is a business and fitness consultant, psychology instructor and writer from St. Louis, MO. He is the author of Passwords to The Prosperity Zone, 101 Ways To Get It, and You Can have Your Cheese & Eat It Too. He can be reached at ckurtdoc.charter.net or (314) 531-2000.
http://www.authorsden.com/visit/viewarticle.asp?AuthorID=10202&id=6885
Why Do Relationships End or Why Do Relationships Fail?
by Shawn Nelson, MSA.
(c) 2005. All Rights Reserved.
I have always wondered, “Why Do Relationships End or Why Do Relationships Fail?” I knew I was doing everything right, or what I thought was right, and still my relationships ended. Talk about being one confused individual!
It wasn't until many failed relationships, and God only knows how many broken hearts, that I realized there were a few things missing. I never had the woman I truly needed because she did not pass the three stage test.
Now I know what you are thinking, “Oh no...he has to test people!” I have learned that people are not always who they say they are so, you have to see if they hold up to the image they present. Or, would you rather I end up with another failed relationship?
I do not set out to test them. However, by spending time with them life will present challenges and I will get to see how they react to those challenges.
Relationships end or fail for many reasons. However, I have uncovered three areas (stages) where all of my relationships failed. They are:
- Trust
- Consistency
- Life Obstacles
Let me give you an explanation of each so you can understand why my relationships ended.
Trust – I need to know if I can trust a person. Naturally, I give the benefit of the doubt until I have evidence to lead me to believe otherwise. This is the foundation for me, which also includes communication.
Consistency – The one thing that works my last nerve is inconsistent people. If you say you are going to do something do it. If you say you are going to be somewhere be there. If you know you cannot keep your word then don't say or agree to anything. Keep your big mouth shut! If circumstances cause you to have to be inconsistent that is fine! But to be inconsistent for no reason at all is just crazy!
Life Obstacles – This is the big one. Even if someone passes the first two stages most will fail at this stage. To be honest with you, very few have ever past the second stage. This stage is critical because how a person handles life problems will provide insights into their inner feelings and thoughts.
For example, my natural inclination during a crisis is to stay calm, devise a plan quickly as possible with the information I have and head straight toward the problem and conquer it.
Now, if the woman I am talking with decides to run the other way, starts complaining or just gives up then I have to think twice about getting involved with her.
Life is hard enough as it is so I do not need a weak woman who is unsure of herself expecting me to protect her. Either she will stand next to me and take the challenge head on. Or, she will stand behind me to watch my back while we move forward. Any other position will not work for me.
Now ask yourself, “Has anyone you have been involved with met or exceeded the three stages mentioned above?” I doubt it very much! It is rare to find that type of individual but they are out there.
However, I met a person about nine months ago; and let me tell you she will always be a part of my life whether we stay friends or it goes further.
She has passed all three stages without trying! She is truly awesome! Words cannot express how wonderful she is as a person. Like I always tell her, “You are stuck with me for life!”
It is my hope that the next person you decide to talk with can meet or exceed the three stages. Otherwise, you will be in for a bumpy ride! And remember, do not complain for you picked the person. If you are unhappy let them go! Unless you are married then try to work things out.
If you ever wonder if you have the right person in your life or you are attempting to identify that individual, you should check out the Meet The Man of Your Dreams and Meet The Woman of Your Dreams guide today.
http://www.mrgoodman.com/articles/relationshipsendfail.html
Why do relationships fail
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1
My EVERYTHING - How to kill a relationship
You hear it time and time againHe/She is my EVERYTHING! Upon hearing it, or saying it, most of us think these are the first signs of Happily Ever After. I personally think it is the first sign of troubled waters ahead. I also know that upon reading this most of you started to cringe, and think "what is this guy talking about?" How could such a sweet statement like this meaning anything but relationship bliss, right?
This realization came to me while hearing a woman berate her EVERYTHING, for all the things that he was not doing correctly in their relationship. I have seen this time and time again, from both women and men. So what is the point? He probably deserved it, or she was just having a bad day right? Wrong!
The problem goes much deeper than what the surface may appear to most. If this were only a onetime event, or once a year venting at best, I might agree with you; but it's not. It is generally an ongoing dialogue which is based in the belief that our EVERYTHING is not living up to ANYTHING, or at least the expectations that we have bestowed upon them.
Go back to the beginning of the affair and remember when we anointed this person our EVERYTHING. What did we base this appointment on? The fact is we did not even know this person. We only knew what they allowed us to know. We only saw what they permitted us to see. And unfortunately, THEY are not always completely honest with the representation that is presented to us in the first place. Not that they are trying to be deceitful, but they certainly don't want to run off the relationship over some petty little shortcomingsnot until we get a chance to see all the wonderful stuff about them, which validates how valuable they truly are anywayand who could blame them for that?
The truth is, we all do this, at least on some levelthe accused and the accuser. It is nothing more than a self defense mechanism. Where we run into trouble is when we start thinking what we are being shown is all there is. I knew it, He/She is perfect! He/She is my EVERYTHING.
So why is this a problem? To answer this we need to go back to the woman berating her fianc. When asked, she expressed how he use to fulfill her EVERY want and need, and thus was accurately entitled her EVERYTHING. Not so unfair at this point, right? I believe if you were to ask him at that time he would have agreed with you and did; thus taking on the role of Mr. EVERYTHING. But now he is resentful, why? He is resentful because, after reading the short list of everythingness, it looked to be a pretty easy job, and so he signed up. He failed to read the fine print that said "this list will grow, and grow, and grow. Furthermore, it will be his obligation to fulfill all of the growing list of needs in order to maintain his EVERYTHING status. Should he fail to fulfill all of these needs, he will not be excused from the EVERYTHING status, but rather to be nagged, ridiculed, and berated until such conformity is met."
It's all quite amusing to read, but not so amusing to be living infor either side.
It is unfortunate, but most of us never define what our EVERYTHING should be in the first placeit is left to an ever changing interpretation. This would be like running an ad to hire the perfect secretary, and failing to define what her duties were. We run the ad "perfect secretary wanted". She answers the ad and informs us that she can type one hundred twenty words a minute, she can take extremely fast dictation, makes the best morning coffee you ever had, answers phones, schedules appointments, makes flight and hotel arrangements with only the best companies which she has personally worked with for several years, know all the best restaurants for entertaining clients and can get reservation's at a moment's notice, can get a great deal on printing needs from her father who owns a Kinko's Center, who always looks like a million buck, and gives a mean neck message. It all sounds so good, so we hire her. A couple months into the job and we decide our deck needs painting, and ask if she can do it on her lunch hour. A couple weeks later we need a baby sitter, so we give her a call. Another month goes by and we need her to replace our transmission in the BMW. She messed up the deck, forgot to feed the baby, and the transmission still is not fixed. Now what do we do? We fire her for being a crappy secretary.
It hardly seems fair now does it? But this is exactly what we do in romantic relationships. We fail to define the job description, and become resentful when our EVERYTHING does not live up to our expectations. We fail to see all the things they ARE doing well, because we are so focused on what they are not doing well, even though if we had told them ALL of their duties, they may not have taken the job in the first place.
The saddest part of all is that this is not a job, it is a personal friendship. We would NEVER think to treat our friends like this, why? Because we know they would not be our friends for long if we did. And still we treat the one we say we love with less respect and honor than a friend.
Remember, it used to be OK to watch the games all day on Sunday. It used to be OK to go to the mall by yourself, wearing make-up and a pretty dress. It used to be OK stay in your pajamas all day and not paint the entire house. It used to be OK to sit on the phone for hours consoling a friend in need.
At what point in time did we start to take ownership over this person's life? At what point did it become OK to change their job description and not tell them? At what point did we stop treating them with less respect than a friend. At what point did we start to sabotage the very thing that we claim gives us our most joy? At what point do we stop doing this, and start to love who they are, not who we want them to be? Sadly, we would not respect them if they became this person anyway. They may in fact make a great slave, but slaves are hard to respect, let alone be in love with.
I am proud to say that my Wife is NOT my EVERYTHING. She is however, my friend, my lover, my inspiration, and mostly my comedian. For watching and discussing football games, I have others who fulfill this need. For spiritual and philosophical discussions I have other friends. For business and professional matters, there are still others. And the list goes on and on. I do NOT require her to wear all the hats. Nor do I go the mall for the girl's day out.
She has a role as a wife and mother which WE have defined, and I do not need her to be any MORE than that. I KNOW any other needs I have that may arise are not her responsibility, they are mine. This is why my opinion of her NEVER diminishes as a result of my changing expectations. Nor will I allow my own role to be changed. This is not because I do not love her, it is because I DO.
Although the role of being His/Her EVERYTHING is very enticing to the ego, it is the surest way I know of to lead you down the path of frustration and resentment.
My advice to you is to STOP looking for your EVERYTHING, and decide what is truly important to you in a mate. Decide what qualities are true, real, and never changing. Find someone who loves their own life as much as your life together, and who agrees with your definitions. For the rest, find others to fulfill these needs. Do all of this and you will be well on your way to finding a relationship that continues to have the same fire for years and years to come.
Above all, remember this is only one number in the combination to unlock all the gifts of a happy and richly fulfilling love life.
Why do relationships fail? Why do the stars come out at night? Why does the rain fall? From my cynical perspective it would seem that the majority of relationships are doomed to fail.
Why did the relationships of our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents survive, while the relationships of today crumble? How have we as people in a society changed to the extent we cannot sustain a relationship? Shouldn't we be evolving emotionally as a human race?
One key factor that comes to mind is lack of communication. Is this in part due to the technological age? First television, then video, DVD and now the Internet revolution. Is this in some way partly responsible for the dwindling communicative state of our relationships?
Are we so engrossed in surfing the net, emailing our contacts, checking dating sites (yes, people in relationships do this too) that we fail to have any deep and loving conversations with the person we share our life with?
Another factor which may contribute to the failure of relationships is career. Are we now so obsessed with climbing the corporate ladder we neglect the home and family that in our grandparent's day was the single most important consideration in life?
Lack of commitment and understanding of commitment is another contributing factor which leads to the break down of relationships. Relationships and especially marriage meant something once, it meant a lifetime, and it meant sticking together through the bad times and not giving up. Now, it is too easy to walk out, to even pre-empt the breakdown of the relationship before it begins with a pre-nuptial agreement and legal documents to assist in splitting the assets.
Lack of commitment and the understanding of commitment also means when you are over the initial exciting in-love stage with your spouse, simply look elsewhere. How many of us know someone who left their spouse for a newer model, with complete disregard for old fashioned values and respect?
For a relationship to be successful it needs love, trust, respect, faith, honesty, commitment and loyalty. Sharing each other's thoughts, feelings, dreams, heartaches, sharing a common goal in life, not keeping secrets from each other and working together to build a life and home are essential for a successful relationship. While physical intimacy is important, emotional intimacy is something that only two people in a committed relationship can share with each other.
Relationships fail for a number of reasons. We have lost the ability to communicate with our partners due to our ever increasingly busy lives, we sit in front of the television screen and computer monitor in a singularly exclusive one on one friendship with electronic technology while our ability to communicate in a loving and intimate way with our loved ones becomes a distant memory. We have lost the ability to trust and share with our partners and instead finances and the division of assets has become more important than sharing our dreams and goals. Looking to the future has become an exercise fraught with what-if's. What if there is a recession, what if there is a war, what if another hurricane strikes. But in a committed relationship these future hardships are hardships to be faced together not to tear us apart. In our grandparent's day they did face recession, they did face war, and they did face natural disasters. But they faced it together and their relationships survived.
Relationships fail for one reason only, hardness of heart. A relationship starts when two decide there are sufficient quantitative and qualitative elements in common. These elements seldom disappear, but over time one or both of the partners begin focusing on the uncommon aspects of the relationship.
If you stop and ask a person, "What made you separate?" Or "What caused the divorce", you will hear answers like infidelity, abuse, lack of communication, abandonment, and so on. These are all merely symptoms of one root cause a hardened heart.
Most normal people do not wake up one day and say to themselves, "I think I will cheat on my spouse today." The infidelity, or any one of the other reasons people list for causing a relationship to end, was a process that occurred over time. It is a spouse that has allowed his or her heart to become hard and selfish and slowly pull away.
This pulling away causes a lack of focus on the things in common and more focus on the things uncommon. This naturally occurs in most people, because sacrificial love is hard work and ultimately we feel the need to receive. When we start losing that soft spot for the other person, however, and focus on the difference those differences must be reconciled in some way or fashion
Typically most will try and reconcile the differences by bringing them up with the partner in some way. Also typically, we are ineffective at communicating and one who brings out the issue may have found the method and content used to do so were perfectly understandable. Meanwhile, the listening partner hears something but interprets the message differently and communication fails.
If the two cannot resolve the differences and the heart of one or both continues to harden. Those with hardened hearts will look either within themselves or outside the relationship for fulfilling the deficit that a partner failed, for whatever reason, to do. When the heart hardens sufficiently enough, the reasons and justifications for things no one thought they could or would do going into the relationship, end up happening.
In some cases it is the extremes, like cheating, abuses, and so on. In other cases, it is simply a calm giving up and walking away. All originating from a heart perspective and manifesting itself outward, the relationship fails.
The key then is to prevent hardness of heart. Focusing on the things in common and those things uncommon, working them out through persistent communication. Just because you say something, does not mean the person understood it. Also inaction on the listener's part might be a key indicator of certain misunderstanding. Do not give up on communicating and finding ways to ensure you are heard.
The other key thing to remember is, you went into the relationship for a reason and with a commitment. Was that commitment contingent upon what the other person committed? Probably not, so keep on meeting what you vowed to do even if the other person does not deserve it. This kind of attitude will help in getting over the humps when communication seems to be failing, as you purposefully set out to keep your heart soft.
True Graveyard of romance
You know he cheated. There is no telling what secrets she is keeping from him. There is an endless search of where to lie the blame.The kids involved become the agonizing reason why they claim they are "still hanging around". Why do relationships fail?
I believe that during my few years of being an adult, marriage has taken on a new meaning with each couple or ex-couple I see.I have always been the sentimental fool type when it came to this subject. You know the type that sees the happily ever after no matter what. The one that convinces herself to look for the prince charming and the whole simple notion that boy and girl meet, boy and girl love each other, and boy and girl stay together for a long time?Why is it not that simple I believe is the real mystery. I mean if you love someone why are there stipulations behind the reasoning of why the love fade away.
Many experts will go the extreme and give you a long list of why marriages fail? They will say infidelity is the main reason marriages fall apart. Lack of communication is why the marriages don't work.If you ask me though: my answer will be quite more simplistic than that.I know if I am not a divorcee, expert on this, or not even going out with anyone how can I comment? Well, i have been around enough relationships and seen enough to make my analysis on this subject. Therefore, my response to the question why do
relationships fail? Relationships fail when the people in the relationship are not willing to try and make it work.They are not willing to see what caught them in the whirlwind relationship in the first place.
I mean come on how many times have you been in a situation where something looked real good to you and you know everyone will just rave and want to be around you if you had it. Then later on after you finally got it and had it for a while you suddenly see people get uninterested with this thing you got. You even forget yourself why you wanted that specific thing.Well that is what usually happens when two people are in a relationship for a while and all of a sudden want to call it quits. The trying to make it work just is not in either one of the parties anymore.Why do relationships fail? People in relationships who are not willing to try makes relationships fail.
Now I'm just a teenager but I'm going to go ahead and give you people the inside scoop from my perspective so you see this thing called relationships through my eyes.
There are plenty of reasons why a relationship can fail. Whether one person just doesn't feel up to it anymore, you don't talk the way you used to, you are sick and tired of jumping through hoops, or you make a catastrophic mistake. I think communication is key. You HAVE TO talk to each other. A relationship is built on two things: communication and trust, and if you don't have those two things then you shouldn't be together. It is really that simple. For example, a husband and wife argue every night because the husband will not stop lying. And the lies aren't even about big things a majority of the time, little stupid thing that if you actually are honest about, there wouldn't even be a problem, but no. Pride is too hard to swallow for this guy and he can't seem to come to grips with his insecurities about his significant other and can't ask her anything, not like when they were back in college. When they were in college they could talk for hours about all kinds of things and now that the flame may be gone they pick more and more things to fight about. And the downward spiral to divorce begins. And all because of what...ah, that's right, lack of communication because he's not talking about his concerns in the relationship and distrust because he won't swallow his pride and admit when he's wrong. Now look, I don't want to seem one sided against my boys because there is some fault to be placed on the women as well, it seems to me that most think every guy should and will be their Superman and that just can't happen. As a guy I don't mind saying that there are times I can't live up to being a Superman but I don't lie and I try to tell my girlfriend my issues if something is bothering me. Look, I'm not perfect and I am working on being there for people but as far as I can tell, we all need work on the basics, it's never just one person's fault.
Relationships: one of the most ominous words in the human language. I say this because they are often set up to fail from the start. There are several reasons why a relationship might fail, none are more relevant than the others, it just happens. However, I feel the main reason relationships fail is the inability to communicate with each other. You wouldn't think that is possible these days, what with email and cell phones and text messaging. When it comes down to it, men and women just communicate differently. The trick is getting past that and learning to adapt to each other's communication patterns.
So what do I mean by this? I'll give you some examples.
Husband and wife get up in the morning. Wife is busy getting the kids up for school, making breakfast, packing lunches, and even possibly getting them self ready for work at the same time. Husband gets up in the morning, reads the paper, gets ready for work, eats breakfast and leaves. During breakfast, wife talks about the new person recently hired at her job, going on about this person's attitude, how they dress, their hair, etc etc. Husband nods and grunts and occasional "really?" or "mmm hmmm" from time to time. Husband then starts talking about his job, using technical words and explaining why some things are done the way they are, etc etc etc. Wife tries to follow along, but gets lost in the technical aspects from time to time, and usually interrupts to inquire about so and so they work with and how their new baby, mother, wife is.
Maybe that's a bit too stereotypical, as in todays society, there are many women doing jobs that even as little as 50 years ago would have been utterly unfounded. But the fact remains that women tend to focus on more details about people than men do. How many men do you hear compliment each other on the outfit they wore to work that day, or a new haircut their co-worker has gotten? Not many. For women, that's almost our bread and butter of conversation. Women pay attention to these things, where for men, it's just insignificant on so many levels.
How does this relate to why relationships fail? Because of their differences in how they think, communicate, and interact with others, there are gaps in communication between each other. These patterns tend to fall in with each other as well. A wife will tell her husband if she thinks a certain shirt looks better with a certain suit than the one their husband is wearing, while a man might not even notice what their wife is wearing at all. Relationships might not fail so much if women took less stock in what so and so is doing, saying, etc, and if a man would notice more.
I was sitting in church when our pastor started discussing the top three reasons for divorce. Number one was lack of communication. Everything that goes wrong in a marriage can be traced back to lack of communication.
Whether an affair, money issues, or sex problems led to the decision to split they can all be traced back to lack of communication.
For example, a wife begins having an emotional affair with a co-worker. She is obviously missing something in her marriage - her husband doesn't listen to her hopes and dreams, he doesn't offer her encouragement, or he doesn't praise and adore her. She has failed to tell her husband what she needs and expects from him. And her husband has obviously failed in speaking his feelings of admiration for her.
My pastor also mentioned that marriages are ruined by three things that are left unsaid everyday. If one person took the time to say thank you for taking the trash out or I appreciate that you always get the laundry done in such a timely manner the marriage would be more stable and loving.
Husbands and wives get too comfortable in a marriage, they forget to shower the other with words of affection and praise. It is so important to your spouse every day how much you love and appreciate them, you can't assume that they already know. They need words of affirmation and acceptance every day.
My pastor also mentioned that once there is a lack of communication the whole relationship begins to fall apart. This is because women hold the sex card and men hold the money card. He listed off some statistics that said something along the lines of: men would rather have an affair than talk to their wives about sex. And even though women love to talk endlessly, money is one subject they refuse to talk to their husband about.
Husband and wives need to create an environment that is open, where they can go to each other with their problems and be certain that they won't be belittled. They need to find comfort in communication with the other person.
Here is a link to my pastor's sermons, scroll down and look for Desperate Husband and Wives Parts 1, 2 and 3: http://www.centralcommunity.org/messages/07sermon.ht ml
These are great sermons, even if you don't attend church regularly. He's done a tremendous amount of research on marriage and he adds quite a bit of humor to ease up the tension on such a touchy subject.
Now this is the big question, Why do relationships fail? Although I am merely making an assumption here but if we knew the complete answer to this, would any of them actually fail. Would we need to spend tons of money in couples therapy trying to figure out who's wrong and who's right? I think what it boils down to is that we all have an image of what we expect in our relationships. We have a self-induced idea of what our mate is supposed to be like according to ... yes that's the operative phrase, according to "us". We put such high expectations on the other partner and such less of a requirement from ourselves. Relationships take work. They don't come easy as we've all been raised through fairy tales to believe. There are very few relationships wherein Prince Charming is going to come riding up on his white horse to save a damsel in distress and we will live happily ever after in a beautiful castle at the top of a hill. Life just isn't this way. Real life is hard. Everything takes work, and let's face it, most of us want everything to come easy. We work hard enough as it is, why should we work at our relationships. If he's not going to love me the way I want to be loved, then I will find someone who will. Trust me, I've said these very words myself over and over again. Guess what though, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Ever wonder why this is. Well maybe it's because it's because we haven't been doing our own lawn maintenance and there is some internal grooming that needs to be done. We are always so quick to judge others, but how often do we look into that mirror to judge ourselves. So often we get into relationships and we think, "this one has potential" in time I can really make this one into something great. We can't make anyone anything. We have to learn that we cannot change others. We can only change ourselves. We are all human. Unfortunately, the person you met years ago may not be the same person now. This is one of the hard things to accept about life and the changes that it will produce in us. One should never hope to be the same person they were years ago. Years provide for change, circumstances in those years will cause changes. We have to learn to grow with those changes, accept those changes. Compromise is such a big source in whether or not relationships will work or not. I think compromise is the key to a successful relationship or any kind. Learning to see our partners with love and compassion, and less judgment and scrutiny. No one wants to live their lives under a microscope being probed about every move they make or every step they take. You cannot make everyone happy this much you have to know. But I think if you are a happy with who you are anything is possible. Sometimes, I think this is also key. When we are not happy, subconsciously whether we want to realize it or not I think so often we expect our partners to share in our misery. But thats what makes a good relationship great. When our partners don't wallow in misery with us, but they support us, encourage us. Communication another key to keeping a relationship from failing. Too often we assume that our partners should know us so well that they know exactly what we are thinking, what we need and the list goes on and on. But this is not true, each one of us is a very different person. We all think differently. We have to talk to each other in good and bad times. But another key here is in doing so with respect. Talking with love and respect. Voicing our opinions without hurting each other intentionally. Too often we give up on others for not thinking like we think. We say things like we just don't have anything in common anymore. How is this possible? The things you did have in common to begin with did they just disappear? Do they no longer exist? Have we each changed so much that we no longer have any common ground? If so then communication went out the window a long time ago as well, hence the reason you know longer know what you have in common anymore. Love takes patience. Love is kind. Relationships are a blessing is we can keep all of this in mind. Without that, like everything else that is not cherished or kept up with, it will fail miserably.
I could write 200 words but one word seems to sum up everything in a nutshell, and that worked is "Irresponsibility" quite often it is the irresponsibility of one partner either one
that fails to live up to the expectations of the other causing hurt feelings, resentment and
bitterness. Also poor communication, if only partners would take the time to listen to each other and hear what their partners concerns are and try to find a logical solution without getting mad and stomping off relationships and marriages would probably last a lot longer.
I also believe temptation, a lustful eye is a real destroyer of relationships and marriages, there is always going to be somebody more attractive that you or your spouse physically, if you allow yourself to be strayed from your partner just because somebody is more physically attractive than your current mate you will never have a satisfying or a permanent relationship.
Also I think "Greed" Material Greed is a big one, so many couples want everything that they see advertised on televisions, etc, etc. instead of being satisfied with a roof over their head and their basic needs. Being "Greedy" for a lot of The Best Of Material Things in Life can place extra stress on your partner to earn extra money and a lot of times, relationships and marriages will suffer because of this. I think it is good to have a roof over your head, your basic needs met, money put aside for a emergency and a retirement fund but not let "Greed" be the controller of your Marriage and Relationships.
These are my comments and I thank you for your time.
Zinderella
Relationships fail because there is no marital match to it. You have to have lots of things in common, sports, driving and car racing, shopping, making love, having babies, traveling, eating and drinking, wine and dine, you both have to be daring, lots of things.
Relationships fail because one partner cannot see the sense in simple illustration and advice. He has no sense of priority or love for what is chaste and purity. He probably think you are being stupid for being faithful to him.
Relationships fail because one partner is interested in love making and the other has other places to release his feelings in. You do have to both want to make love to each other and not to have sex with other people, basically.
Relationships fail because there is no moist left in the marriage and neither is making any moves to rectify the damage that may have been caused. Neither has the time to be with each other, neither wants to see each other, they have become so sick of each other, they just had to call it quits at the end of the day.
They probably find the smell of each a thing of irritation and great annoyance.
Relationships fail because there can be no going back, neither wants to reconcile because they cannot see the need to do so. They just have had enough, basically.
Relationships fail because there is unnecessary competition going on and the children have been abandoned by one of the spouse who may have opted for a more sweeter option in life.
Relationships fail because one of the partners, perhaps the man has had an affair with someone else and he has only the time for that one's conceiving, pregnancy and birth of their new baby. Thus, he has little or no time for the children of the former partner. Perhaps he is too besotted to the new mother of his baby.
Relationships fail because the other partner sought for attention from elsewhere and no matter how much you try, you just can't give enough, basically.
It is an awful and horrible discovery but a stitch in time can always save nine!
Relationships fail for many, many reasons, because people enter relationships for many different reasons in the first place. Regardless of why two people begin a relationship, it takes a lot of commitment and maturity to make a relationship work.
People mature at different rates and a couple who are in a great relationship in their teens may begin to have difficulties in their twenties or thirties. Or a couple in their thirties may see cracks in their relationship as they enter their forties or fifties. All because one person may be maturing, or taking a certain direction in their life, and the other partner is not willing, able or capable of following.
We all know that the person you choose to be with at age eighteen would most likely not be the person you would choose to partner at age twenty-eight. This is because of the maturity factor; we all mature at different ages and stages of our lives. That same person at twenty-eight may still be a larrikin at heart while their partner may be looking for maturity and responsibility in their partner. For so many reasons people drift apart and find their relationships in trouble.
In the marriage relationship in particular, not enough effort, wisdom and planning are considered to ensure that the couple have at least the same basic morals, desires and dreams for their life together. Most couples never discuss their opinions and thoughts on the topics of money, children, sex, hobbies and many other subjects which should be discussed in depth before entering marriage. Once the relationship is firmly established, these matters and differing opinions on these subjects can (and do) have disastrous outcomes.
Successful relationships of any kind require wisdom, thoughtfulness, the capacity to give as well as receive, and the maturity to allow the partner freedom to grow and develop in the relationship at their own pace.
In ancient days couples married as minors, and stayed together for centuries. Such as my mother and my so-called step dad. Which i had so much respect for but he did not have respect for himself. He was so tormenting an always got on our nerves, he would eat up everything and save us nothing but it would be all good to him. One morning my mother and my step father were arguing and it got so deep and serious they will fight. So they will argue and fight, what surprised me was that he hit my mother. He bused her face and i was felling so upset I will go cry, my mom gets a divorce he is still coming around now we are sick and tired of the mess. so he never comes around again .My mother runs into a longtime friend of hers they he moves in with her, things are going on well. Three years later they are deep in relationship with each other, he starts to torment me everyday after church he will start with me ,knowing i don't like him he did not really like him. I try to tell my mother she asked him is it true that he hits me he says no. So one time my mother came home from work he says something to my mother she asked him for the car keys he said you have to take them from him she started arguing with him my mother called her brother for help he snatched the phone and broke it. he dragged my mom by the hair and called her mean names, she picked up the lamp and broke it on his head i went nixed door to call the police but before they got here i picked up to knives and threatened to stab him if he don't get off of my mother the police came we got the keys and every thing was solved he moved out we forgave him and from then forward we lived happily ever after.
Love relationships fail because we don't FIRST have a love relationship with ourselves. This absence of self love is reinforced by the things we hear, watch and believe. Take a simple thing like a television show. If you have ever watched the HBO series "Tell Me You Love Me" you see poignant examples of people searching for love outside of themselves.
Everyone in the show clamors for love that "comes from" someone else. The answer after all is for "You To Tell Me You Love Me," and then the assumption is that things will once again be okay, the way it was, or how it always should have been. We know too much however for that to be the case.
There is a very valid theory that says you have to love yourself, BEFORE you can offer a fulfilling love to someone else. Without self love the love you give is just something that was modeled to you on TV and in those relationships you observed around you as you grew up. It's not the genuine love that springs from a heart already full of love, and it's not fulfilling because it focuses on what you are getting rather than on what you are giving. The kind of love that is fulfilling doesn't come with strings attached, it doesn't seek to change someone else and it is unconditional. The common ache that exists in humanity's heart is for unconditional love. Unconditional self-love is the doorway.
Unfortunately there are few models in the world showing us this and too many models in the world like "Tell Me You Love Me" showing us how to continue to have the same heart numbing love experiences over and over again. We always have a choice. We can dine on pain, or dine on pleasure. It's our perspective that makes all the difference.
I was trying to write a piece about the "coffee" that we feel but I got stuck with how well does it relate to the love that we feel. So I decided to write on something else much closer to our experience and the things that we did when all was still well with the person we were with. I am hoping that I would be able to capture all the intricacies of it, from a man's perspective and see how the economics of love got in the way of a prospectively wonderfully happy lovely ending. Lets make this a laughing matter, okay?:
A woman's scent is very much important to a man. It is a fact that the male species is most attracted to one who smells naturally good. Well the use of perfume, provided it's not the ones that you get from just a cheap store, provides for a more appealing sensation in situations of gradually diminishing natural scent. Have you ever wondered why the sex on the earlier part of the relationship is most intense and steamy becoming less and less boiling after a few years and several kids after? It's the scent my dear...well primarily. That's the reason why in many cases the hubby fell for a younger variety...they smell better...naturally. The least that you could have done in this respect was to mimic your natural scent through the use of delicately alluring perfumes. It is said and I believe it, that "the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach". The daily fare that you prepared may have been very limited as it is limited by the budget that was provided given the limited resources the hubby gets from his employment. That's quite understandable. But have you thought of developing a variety of cuisine that would make the limited resources less obvious or was it the same fried, stew, baked, day in and day out? There are some cheap cookbooks that you can find in the culinary stores that may have added some ideas to your cooking prowess. I call this "higher cognitive cooking" as opposed to the natural "instinctive cooking". Would be mistresses have developed this art of "higher cognitive cooking" as a way of making sure they capture their men. You should have thought about this earlier. You must have set this matter aside as unimportant. Now look what happened. Men love to look good and smell good. They are as vane as we are. We like to parade around in our spaghetti strap blouse and well-pressed jeans no matter what is our preferred colors. Did you make sure of this whether you were than one doing the washing and pressing or it's the house help? Oh yes, the soap, deodorant and cologne in the bathroom. You must have bought those cheap ones that smell cheap too and scents that are gone as soon as the hubby stepped out of the house. Or worse you did not buy anything and must have left the soap to do all the deodorizing. A few penny could have made a big difference in his confidence as a cared for man. You could have made your man proud by doing just this and he would have appreciated you more for doing so. They just love being seen neat and clean except for a very few of a male varieties who think being ragged and unshaven is more macho/masculine type and therefore more attractive. Well these guys attract more of their similar female breed.
Men value their silence. Well unless the guy was born in an environment of noise, literally and figuratively. Nagging makes them crazy! And I know that women endemically are. Its alright to nag but in appropriate situations and right timing. Most men would want to keep to themselves their thoughts and sentiments. They appreciate being reminded of what they are supposed to do as the man of the house, but not nagged. You must have overdone the endemic in you that's why the hubby found comfort in the loving arms of another. Many of us are cerebral...we think lot..never mind what the thoughts are. Lately though, an emerging breed of bisexuals have started to occupy the male scene. These are the visceral types, big and strong and confused...not contented with what the female species can offer and prefer to make it out with their own kind. I wonder how they do it. But you guys want to try...ouch!
Men love their women and hate the feeling of being jealous. They cannot stand competition whenever they have secured the affection of a women. We can be worse in the jealousy angle much like the baboon that wants to keep the female pack all for himself. Problem is some women get flattered with the compliments of some men and then one compliment leads to another and before you know it the affection is shifted and the baboon goes ballistic. This is a problem that is equally that of men and women...sexual infidelity. Some men can live with it but most cannot. Worst...kiss the marriage goodbye when the sexual stuff gets into emotional infidelity. This is not just infidelity. This is betrayal. Whether you were guilty of this or not it would have been good had you made all the efforts to reassure your man that he is the only one and nobody else. Neither in your lake nor in your heart. These are but some. I am sure some of the guys here can give some more of the reasons why relationships failed based on your perspective. Hope you will just treat this as a matter of course and not entirely of fact.
http://www.helium.com/tm/664927/everything-relationship-againheshe-everything
