As Adapted For Recoveries Anonymous*
- We admitted we were powerless over our problems and behaviors — that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
- Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
- Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
- Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
- Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
- Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
- Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
- Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
- Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Many of us exclaimed, ''What an order! I can't go through with it.'' Do not be discouraged.
No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these
principles. We are not saints. The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines.
The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we had a problem and could not manage our own lives.
(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our problems or behaviors.
(c) That God could and would if He were sought.
Self Destructive Behavior
Everyone gives lip service to the idea that depressed people are self-destructive. After all, suicide is the extreme end of depression. Of milder forms, we say "He keeps shooting himself in the foot," or "She's her own worst enemy." We romanticize the self-destructive tendencies of artists like Dylan Thomas or Kurt Cobain.
What exactly does this mean, to be self-destructive? Freud originally theorized that depression was aggression, the destructive wish, turned against the self, an explanation which still has some poetic or intuitive appeal, though it doesn't tell us much about recovery. There are two more concrete meanings. One is to engage in behavior that is clearly dangerous or self-destructive, without appreciating the danger. The other is to engage in behavior that backfires on us. The behavior is not, in and of itself, dangerous or harmful, but it has unintended negative effects. Although this can happen to anyone, for the depressive it often becomes such a pattern that we assume there is an unconscious process at work.
The depressive's habit of procrastination, for instance, is a complex combination of defenses that the depressive uses very cleverly — I can say this because I am one — to make himself feel miserable. It's a way of expressing anger at a resented authority — but the authority is not the parent or the boss but the part of the self that says to the depressive "You really should (get a better job, wash the dishes, paint the living room . . . )." Instead of acknowledging the conflict between this part of the self that sets standards and moralizes and the part that feels entitled to always have the biggest piece of cake, the depressive will procrastinate. Instead of washing the dishes, he will go to the store to buy a new sponge, and while there be tempted by the display of canning supplies and decide now is the time to put up pickles. The next day he'll have more dirty dishes and no pickles, because in the middle of the project he'll get frustrated and sit down and watch Oprah. Daytime television was made to give procrastinators something to do. But his depression, his low opinion of himself, his idea that he can't meet his goals, has just been reinforced.
Finding more direct and healthy ways of expressing anger, of developing autonomy, of acknowledging a need for intimacy, are the obvious strategies to disrupt self-destructive behavior patterns. In clinical practice, many depressed patients are completely unaware of their self-destructive behavior, and many patients who come in because their behavior has gotten them into trouble are completely unaware of their depression. Getting these links established is not easy therapeutic work, but it's important, and it can be done.
Self-Hate Patterns
See also: : Healing Self-Hate
| You can enforce mental changes which never touch the depths of the soul. Self-love cannot be gained through the spirit. | |
Self-hate is the most insidious and pervasive problem we all have. Self-hate underlies most patterns, and rules most relationships. The patterns springing from it can manifest in a wide variety of ways. That's because self-hate hides so well, and has the ability to co-opt other patterns for its use.
Remember, the purpose of a pattern is twofold: to mask the real feelings/pain we hold, and to play out or create the reality of the beliefs within the pattern. (See How Patterns Work for more on this.)
At the base of the self-hate patterns are a feeling of deep unworthiness. So the pattern must find ways to both hide the real feelings, and also play them out in reality in some way. If reality doesn't fit what self-hate believes is true, the pattern will cause us to do something that will sabotage our success. Whether it's self-sabotage or getting others to participate in our downfall, the self-hate patterns can be quite creative in finding ways to make reality fit the "I am bad" picture.
This is difficult to understand, to believe that we would be so perverse as to purposely create self-harming realities! But it's also a testament to our innate power to create.
 There are two parts to the formation of self-hate patterns. The first is BLAME, which usually originates with judgments in the mind/spirit.
When we are children, before we have an understanding of "self" vs. "other", we are particularly open and vulnerable to the input of those around us. We form our sense of self based on how we are treated. We can both be imprinted at the emotional level (made to feel bad), and the mental level (taught judgments of good/bad and right/wrong). But it doesn't matter if the judgments came from our parents, teachers, friends, church, or if they originated with something within our own self. The point is that our mind believes the judgments and takes on the role of carrying out the sentencing. This means part of the self is actively blaming another part of the self. Self-blame is the hate part of self-hate.
The second part of the picture involves the soul. The soul receives the judgment/blame as feelings of SHAME.
Shame can be thought of as the energetic opposite of hate. The shape of hate is outward, forward, convex, active. The shape of shame is inward, concave, passive. Shame causes us to abdicate our own space. Shame says we deserve bad things, do not deserve good things. When we feel shame, we shrink, we give over, we collapse. Shame doesn't always come from feeling judged. We may feel remorse and regret over having hurt someone we love, or having neglected them in some way. This is not a judgment sourcing from the mind, but pain that comes from the heart and soul. When you love someone you don't want them to be hurting. And when you are the one who causes them to hurt, you feel remorse, regret, and that turns to shame. Remorse and regret can be cried though, and we can always make things right with the ones we have hurt. If we can't make it right with them personally, we can make it right spiritually and energetically, and that energy will reach them on another level. And we can commit to never doing that kind of harm again.
Note: Guilt and self-hate are not the same thing, but are tightly intertwined. Guilt comes from outside ourselves and occupies the space we give up when we feel shame. Guilt pushes on our shame, makes us feel worse. That's when we say we feel guilty, but we are actually feeling shame. The test? Guilt doesn't cry. It can't be healed. Shame does cry, and it can be healed. The only way to move guilt out is to cry our shame and take back our space. Through the blame and shame process, conclusions are drawn that form our belief system with the concrete belief "I am bad" at the foundation. And then we don't fight back when bad things happen because, after all, that's what we deserve. Or, we fight back while at the same time knocking ourselves down.
| TWO OTHER IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTORS -- |
There are two other ways that self-hate patterns can be formed, or contributed to. Usually when we see a person with self-hate as a LIFE pattern, they have a combination of the shame/blame, and one or both of the additional problems here. Knowing these things makes it a little easier to heal. Although sometimes we don't know the source until we begin to cry the pain.
 1. Rage in Conversion: This is not actually self-hate. It's what we call a conversion. It actually begins as a thwarted rage response to something external.
When we are hurt, frightened, threatened or left with unmet needs, when we have been mistreated or abused, we are naturally and spontaneously angry about it. If we have no self-hate/self-doubt, then we automatically feel that the hurt or neglect is UNFAIR! And both our soul and spirit try to make sense of the hurting. The deeply felt response from the core of a self-loving being is "why is this happening to me"? "Why did you hurt me, terrify me, leave me?" etc.
If the hurt/fear/anger is allowed to cry at the moment, it heals and dissipates, and the quest for the cause expands to greater understandings, as well as greater abilities to get out of the hurtful situation. But when the rage is not allowed to cry, especially if it is suppressed with threats of MORE violence, it builds up a compressed energy charge. Compressed energy eventually becomes like a volcano that MUST blow. Energy must go somewhere. But when it tries to express outwardly, it hits a wall and has nowhere to go but back in on itself. Then the quest for a "reason" turns inward, as does the rage at being mistreated. The mind builds a rigid belief that says "I deserve this", and soul feels the rage that is twisting and turning back inward. The soul responds with shame and alarm. Is this my fault? Did I cause this? It becomes a twisted pretzel at this point, and we can no longer separate "hate you" from "hate me". Rage has converted itself into self-hate.
How to know if you are holding converted rage? When you begin to cry this pain, it may begin as shame or inward self-hate feelings. But eventually (sometimes immediately) it becomes the outward rage that it was meant to be, and you'll find yourself crying rage/hatred AT somebody or some situation. Then you may go back to crying something inward and self-focussed. Back and forth. This is the pretzel, untwisting itself, and dissipating the compressed energy charge of the rage.
 2. Taking In Other People's Hatred: This is a very difficult, but very common way that self-hate forms. It is difficult, because at the root of it is the feeling of being hated. We usually receive this kind of hatred when we are open and boundary-less. Children receive hatred from others all the time, and never know that it's not their own. The hatred coming from another person is actually taken in and held deep within the soul. We have called this the DarkDeath, because that's how it feels when you hold another person's hatred energy within yourself.
The feeling of being hated is horrible and horrifying. There is nothing like it. For the soul it's an experience like death. Several things happen:
- The soul responds to being hated with extreme shame. It's a feeling like being socked in the gut, and we energetically cave in around the wound, which is generally in our heart and stomach area.
- We feel terror of it happening again. And terror hates to be in a state of anticipation, desperately wants to know what happened and how to prevent it from happening again. Terror begins a scramble to "be good", in whatever ways it seems may keep hatred from hitting us again. Yin energy people commonly present this way.
- We feel rage at the unfairness of it. We may try to "prove" how wrong the hatred is, or we may try to prove how right it is, by acting out our complete and total "badness". Yang energy people will commonly present this way.
- Since its origins are not in the mind, we may not be able to understand why we continually feel so unworthy and hated. And we may not be able to distinguish this feeling from our own self-hate. When we take in hatred from another person, we feel it as our own. We own it, even though it is not ours. Mind tries to understand why we are being hated. Mind may form elaborate constructs to explain the feelings. Mind concludes we must have done something to cause it, and begins to act in collusion with the hatred. And so the blame/shame cycle begins.
The bottom line here is that this outside hatred we call the DarkDeath cannot be rationalized or fixed. And it cannot be cried. You cannot cry and heal what does not belong to you. What we can cry is the result. We can cry our response to this hatred, the pain of feeling hated. We can cry the anger at how unfair it feels, we can cry the heartbreak and the sadness. But the hatred we are holding here cannot cry and heal. It must be released and given back to its rightful home.
Why Do We Hold It? Usually we receive this hatred when we are vulnerable and lacking in boundaries, and before we have an understanding of Self vs. Other. So we often don't know that this hatred does not belong to us. In addition, if we live with constant abuse, then we are also imprinted with the belief that we MUST NOT FORM BOUNDARIES or say NO to the abuse, that we must stay open to "what we deserve". Our Belief System then says we deserve this, and that we must continue to accept it and hold it. Staying open to another person's hatred then, becomes the pattern for our lives. We may not have always known how to hold against this hatred. We may not have been able to form boundaries or say no to it. But we can change this now. We CAN give the hatred back. We can form boundaries to prevent ever taking in more hatred again. And we can heal the wounds the hatred created in our soul.
Self-hate patterns tend to act out either the blame or the shame, depending on whether we are primarily yin or yang polarized. Yin people will generally act out their self-hate passively. Generally they let other people do the hating, and they mostly feel only the shame. Yang people will be more actively self-hating and self-sabotaging. Their patterns tend to act out on the self. If they do try to draw others into harming them or create dangerous situations, it will be done in colorful and dramatic ways. The flamboyant and visible self-hater is usually a yang energy person.
That doesn't mean they don't both have shame and blame, it simply means that yin and yang polar people deal with the feelings differently. Both the shame and the blame need to be dealt with in order for self-hate patterns to truly heal.
As we said above, self-hate can manifest in many ways, and can use other patterns to act out. For instance, people with self-hate as their LIFE pattern, might run simultaeous addiction patterns, judging patterns, as well as several of the patterns below.
The Doormat - This is actually one of the Powerless Patterns, commonly co-opted by self-hate. The Doormat literally lets everybody walk all over them. They may feel they have no value in the world, or they may place their value in how MUCH they're getting walked on, and how WELL they can take it. In this way, the pattern both outpictures unworthiness, and avoids the real feelings of unworthiness, because the person can tell themselves they have value because they're being self-less and generous and caring of other's feelings. What they're actually doing is negating their own needs and rights (and often boundaries and property) and allowing others to occupy the space they should keep for themselves by divine right.
The Punching Bag - Usually a yin pattern. The Punching Bag believes physical pain/punishment is inevitable. They anticipate the blows, and like a dog that has been beaten, goes into a submissive stance before a hand can even be raised. When the blows come, there's a sense of relief. Waiting and anticipating it creates horrible fear and tension, and often this pattern will do something to provoke an "incident". Make no mistake here, we do not blame the victim for their patterns. But half the battle of breaking these patterns is recognizing how they are acting out in our lives, even when we don't consciously want what they bring us. When this pattern is found in yang people, it usually lends itself to sado-masochistic rituals where the physical pain is actively sought out and agreed to by the "submissive" partner.
The Garbage Can - Like the Punching Bag, this pattern acts out in what it allows others to do TO us, but usually it stays in the verbal and emotional realm. The Garbage Can literally allows themselves to be "dumped on" by everybody and anybody. Husbands, wives, bosses, even children are allowed to scoff, scorn, belittle, put down, make fun of, rage at and blame the Garbage Can for anything that goes wrong. It's amazing how easily we fall into patterns of accepting this kind of abuse. We may excuse it because it's not physical. But it is still abuse, and the effects are JUST as harmful. NOTE: Blaming the "abuser" doesn't help you get free of the pattern. What is needed here is to deal with the self-hate and shame that leaves the door open or draws these things to you. It's the only way to be really and truly free and in charge.
The Martyr - The various manifestations of the Martyr pattern are often co-opted by self-hate. Sacrifices that are not appreciated and that end with rejection are primary with this pattern. The Fool is a good example of this.
The Bad Girl/Boy - Most commonly taken on by yang polar people. The Bad Girl/Boy plays the social outcast, the whore, the criminal, the Incorrigible One. Their yang energy makes them defiant in their "badness", and they often flaunt it in outrageous ways. They can even feel superior to the "good" people and make a big show of pretending they don't care about being accepted. But the truth is that they do care, and deep down they believe they will never be accepted.
The Self-Mutilator - This pattern can act out in many ways. The act of cutting, burning or pounding your own flesh is both active and passive. It fulfills both the hate and the shame, and that makes it extremely addictive and seductive. Hiding the activity is part of the shame, so one of the best things you can do with this pattern is tell somebody.
The "Accident Prone" - This pattern takes the person and causes frequent "accidents" and injuries that can range from little bumps and bruises to broken bones and critical, near-death injuries. This is not usually a conscious thing! Although there may be some who consciously choose self-injury, most "accident prone" people are operating from an unconscious pattern that literally works in their bodies and lives to cause falls and burns and explosions. Although unconscious, there is a pay-off with this pattern, which can make it very addictive. The sympathy you get when you're recovering from an injury is attention you may never get at any other time. Since you secretly believe you don't deserve this kind of attention, the price must be paid ahead of time, in physical pain.
The Lonely One - Like the Bad Girl/Boy, this pattern is the social outcast. But unlike the yang energy people who carry their Bad Girl/Boy status like a badge, the Lonely Ones are often never seen. They are Alone. They feel (and sometimes are) invisible. They speak with soft voices that nobody really hears. They never seem to find love and even family relationships are outside their reach. They long for companionship and love and warmth and sharing. But they don't believe they deserve it or can ever find it. They walk alone, and they believe they will always be alone, forever.
The Great One - This is the pendulum swing into grandiosity in the person who is trying desperately to avoid how totally value-less they feel. They push their self-hate away, stuff it into a corner of the attic, and walk through life in the Better-Than illusion. Everything is GREAT! They've overcome it all, have no problems, and in fact, are doing better than most other people! They may pretend they're not doing it, but a secret voice is running all the time, running the Judgment Pattern as a means of keeping their own self-hate at bay. Often this pattern is so successful at creating the illusion of Big and Great and Wonderful and Oh-So-Powerful, that everybody in the person's life is fooled. The crash, when it comes, is usually heavy and deeply devastating.
That Critical Voice - This isn't so much a pattern as a constant running critical energy in the background. We may not hear it during the day when we are active and busy. It may only come to our awareness at quiet times, like when we're preparing for sleep, or trying to meditate. This is when self-hate brings forth all the things that it has been saving up, all the things we have ever done or said that we feel bad about. It may replay old scenes and conversations when you said something stupid or caused someone pain. It may simply list the dumb things you did that day. If you start to feel too good about yourself, it will drag something really big out of the closet, something it has been saving up for just this occasion, something that will really remind you how stupid/wrong/bad/crazy you are. Getting this voice to shut up is very hard. You can use any number of techniques - affirmations, meditation, getting busy, getting drunk - but the only thing that stops it entirely is to cry the shame that is triggered by the voice. When you're done crying the shame from something, you can check it off the list and tell the voice, "There, you can't lash me with THAT one anymore!"
RELATED PAGES:
 Healing Self-Hate
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Self Destructive Behaviors In Women
By: Michaele P. Dunlap, Psy.D, Clinical Psychologist
If someone told you that she had been strung out on cocaine six days last week, or that she has been binge eating and vomiting three times a day, you'd know she was caught in self destructive behavior. Could you recognize your own self destructive behavior as easily?
As women we are self destructive when we eat poorly trying to keep our bodies too thin; when we overeat to obesity; when we gain weight and diet in endless cycles of self deception and self blame about our eating and our weight.
We are self destructive when we try to "drink like a man." We are at risk when we drink more than an ounce or two of alcohol on any regular basis, because our bodies are much more reactive to the toxicity of alcohol than men's. Excessive use of alcohol costs any drinker both tissue damage and emotional pain. For women the physical and emotional costs of alcohol mis-use are higher; the threshold of mis-use is lower.
We are self destructive when we use drugs in an attempt to control our emotions. There is no mind-altering drug which does not have some harmful physical effect.
Eating disorders, alcohol and drug abuse are easily recognizable self destructive behaviors. But self destructive patterns are not always so obvious, nor are their causes always easy to understand.
We are self destructive when we spend beyond our means; when we are sexual in ways that cause us to lose self respect; when we keep ourselves in personal relationships that cause us to feel inferior, abused, or taken advantage of.
We are self destructive when we neglect our bodies and do not give them rest and exercise; we are self destructive when we drive ourselves, overworking or over exercising to please others or to make ourselves feel okay.
We are self destructive when we stifle our legitimate angers; when we turn our disappointments into contempt for ourselves; when we avoid attempting our ambitions because we will not accomplish them perfectly.
We are self destructive when we make others responsible for our lives,
- by blaming "them"
- by an attitude of helplessness
- by believing and behaving as if we have no capacity to change or to manage our own lives effectively and pleasurably.
As women we are especially vulnerable to self destructive behavior which has its roots in the sense of shame. Because we are sometimes ashamed of the simple fact of being women!
We can feel shame about our bodies
"I'm not pretty enough, or thin enough." "My body is dirty because of my sexuality."
Shame of competence
"I'm stupid." "If I try I'll mess it up." "Some things I'll never be good at; I'm just a female."
Shame in relationships
"How can I expect anybody to like me, I'm such a witch!" "People think I'm foolish when I try to say anything." "Who could love me, I'm so awful?"
Shame about our own character
"Why try? " "I'm flawed." "I'm disgusting." "I'm worthless." I'm powerless."
Addictions, compulsions, all the forms of self destructive behavior have the perverse function to numb shame. When we are caught in self destructive tangles, we forget to feel badly about ourselves -- for the moment.
If you find yourself caught in the tangle of self destructive behavior there are many avenues to recovery and growth.
Quit blaming yourself
Begin by taking a clear-eyed look at your life, right now. What's working? What's making you happy? What's not?
Define what needs to change
Recognize that change takes time. Give yourself both emotional space and sufficient time to make the changes that will be useful to you.
Find help
(Thinking we should be able to do everything by ourselves is another self destructive behavior!) Choose friends, helpers, teachers, groups, mentors, therapists, who offer you honest feedback, new information, and useful support for becoming the best of your own kind of person.
Recognize
The process of recovery from addictive, compulsive, self destructive behaviors can be overwhelming. You may be confronted by new emotions and flooded by memories. You may find yourself replacing one set of self destructive behaviors with another.
Be aware
Women seeking recovery from self destructive behaviors frequently find their progress blocked by the previously unrecognized impact of psychological trauma, loss, childhood neglect, abuse, abandonment, sexual assault, and patterns of emotional or physical abuse as well as self neglect in adult relationships.
Too often the woman trying to recover from self destructive behavior finds herself in a revolving door of treatment / self-help / relapse because the core processes of her psychological and emotional development have not been attended to.
The key elements for moving beyond self destructive behavior are self awareness, self responsibility, and a well developed process of personal choice.
Remember
Self destructive behaviors are rigid, unhealthy patterns of responding to feelings of shame and powerlessness.
Change away from self destructive behavior proceeds by gathering the skills and self awareness to move in the world with self assurance and self determination.
Adapted from Transforming Your Dragons, by Jose Stevens, Ph.D. (Inner Traditions, 1994).
There is a subpersonality within each person that has a self-destruct theme. This is not unnatural because it can be found all over the animal kingdom. A scorpion surrounded by flames will sting itself in the back and kill itself rather than be burned to death. Human beings will do likewise in their own way if they sense that the alternative to dying at their own hands is much more painful. Humans readily choose death for political reasons, for principles, for values, or to save the lives of others.
SIMPLE SOLUTION: In most people, this perfectly natural self-destruct subpersonality sleeps unless extreme conditions call it forth to influence events. In people with control problems, the self-destructive personality has garnered this subpersonality for its own twisted purposes.
Your challenge is to set this subpersonality free to act in a normal way and to drive out the self-destruction dragon. Here are seven steps that caused you or those you love to develop self-destructive behavior, and seven steps to conquer the problem once and for all.
The Seven Steps of Development for Self-Destructive Behavior
Step One: The children are abandoned.
Step Two: The abandonment results in loss of structure.
Step Three: Emotional and physical abuse occurs.
Step Four: The children turn against themselves.
Step Five: The children fear loss of control.
Step Six: The children learn that gaining control is vital to survival.
Step Seven: The children no longer value life. Death seems better.
Seven Weapons to Slay Self-Destruction
Weapon One: Realize that life is sacred and has ultimate meaning.
Weapon Two: Admit you are out of control and ask for help.
Weapon Three: Admit that being in control is the big issue.
Weapon Four: Set your sights on realistic goals.
Weapon Five: Clean up the messes in your life.
Weapon Six: Admit and face your abuse of yourself and others.
Weapon Seven: Admit and face the issue of abandonment.
I engage in the following self-destructive responses, which increase in frequency based on my level of anger. I need to rate each response by circling the degree to which it is true for me.
1 2 3 4 5 ( 1) overuse of alcohol
1 2 3 4 5 ( 2) overuse of nonprescription drugs
1 2 3 4 5 ( 3) overuse of prescription drugs
1 2 3 4 5 ( 4) shoplifting
1 2 3 4 5 ( 5) petty theft from my employer
1 2 3 4 5 ( 6) illegal acts of revenge on my enemies
1 2 3 4 5 ( 7) compulsive gambling
1 2 3 4 5 ( 8) compulsive overeating or binging
1 2 3 4 5 ( 9) binging and purging
1 2 3 4 5 ( 10) anorexia
1 2 3 4 5 ( 11) compulsive exercising
1 2 3 4 5 ( 12) compulsive shopping
1 2 3 4 5 ( 13) overuse of credit cards
1 2 3 4 5 ( 14) compulsive drive to acquire material goods
1 2 3 4 5 ( 15) putting myself down in public
1 2 3 4 5 ( 16) setting myself up for failure
1 2 3 4 5 ( 17) unwillingness to play the political survival game on the job
1 2 3 4 5 ( 18) ignoring authority directives
1 2 3 4 5 ( 19) direct disobedience of authority directives
1 2 3 4 5 ( 20) insubordination on the job
1 2 3 4 5 ( 21) arriving late to work or school
1 2 3 4 5 ( 22) excessive absenteeism
1 2 3 4 5 ( 23) playing hooky or skipping required work and/or functions
1 2 3 4 5 ( 24) ignoring personal hygiene
1 2 3 4 5 ( 25) dressing in such a way as to hide my beauty or sexuality
1 2 3 4 5 ( 26) jumping to negative assumptions about motives when people show an interest in me
1 2 3 4 5 ( 27) feeling like a loser even when I wasn't
1 2 3 4 5 ( 28) ignoring the "yes'' messages in my life
1 2 3 4 5 ( 29) workaholism
1 2 3 4 5 ( 30) compulsive need for recognition or approval
1 2 3 4 5 ( 31) need for perfection
1 2 3 4 5 ( 32) compulsive need to look good
1 2 3 4 5 ( 33) fear of taking a risk
1 2 3 4 5 ( 34) unwilling to take a stand
1 2 3 4 5 ( 35) keeping silent; not letting others know how I feel
1 2 3 4 5 ( 36) compulsive sexual acting out
1 2 3 4 5 ( 37) excessive masturbation
1 2 3 4 5 ( 38) participation in aberrant sexual practices
1 2 3 4 5 ( 39) self-pity parties
1 2 3 4 5 ( 40) constant focusing on how awful my life has turned out
1 2 3 4 5 ( 41) inability to find my "pony'' in anything, i.e., chronic pessimism
1 2 3 4 5 ( 42) arguments or fights with people
1 2 3 4 5 ( 43) complaining
1 2 3 4 5 ( 44) holding a grudge; the desire for revenge
1 2 3 4 5 ( 45) having a chip on my shoulder
1 2 3 4 5 ( 46) being overly sensitive to the remarks of others
1 2 3 4 5 ( 47) excessive cleanliness or tidiness
1 2 3 4 5 ( 48) chronic nagging
1 2 3 4 5 ( 49) exaggerated task oriented behavior rather than people oriented
1 2 3 4 5 ( 50) never giving people a chance to be my support
A Self Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger - Part 2
I engage in the following self-destructive responses, which increase in frequency based on my level of anger. I need to rate each response by circling the degree to which it is true for me.
1 2 3 4 5 ( 51) being a loner
1 2 3 4 5 ( 52) playing it safe when I am with people
1 2 3 4 5 ( 53) avoiding any chance of rejection
1 2 3 4 5 ( 54) rejecting others before they reject me
1 2 3 4 5 ( 55) excessive need for excitement
1 2 3 4 5 ( 56) ``management by crisis'' approach to life
1 2 3 4 5 ( 57) setting up situations to ensure a constant state of crisis
1 2 3 4 5 ( 58) need for the adrenalin ``rush'' I get when solving ``big'' problems
1 2 3 4 5 ( 59) lack of time management skills
1 2 3 4 5 ( 60) procrastination
1 2 3 4 5 ( 61) lack of preventive orientation
1 2 3 4 5 ( 62) holding onto denial of my problems
1 2 3 4 5 ( 63) unwillingness for change to occur
1 2 3 4 5 ( 64) lack of honesty about who I am and how I feel
1 2 3 4 5 ( 65) preferring to lie than the hard work of being honest
1 2 3 4 5 ( 66) unwillingness to trust anyone
1 2 3 4 5 ( 67) close minded to new ideas
1 2 3 4 5 ( 68) obstinate holding on to "the way it was always done'' or 'the way it was''
1 2 3 4 5 ( 69) daydreaming or escaping into fantasy
1 2 3 4 5 ( 70) diverting attention from the issues at hand that need to be dealt with
1 2 3 4 5 ( 71) wearing masks to hide my feelings
1 2 3 4 5 ( 72) ignoring what's good for me and what I need
1 2 3 4 5 ( 73) not applying myself on the job, at home, or in my personal life
1 2 3 4 5 ( 74) giving others the power to intimidate me
1 2 3 4 5 ( 75) unwilling to defend my rights assertively
1 2 3 4 5 ( 76) excessive TV watching
1 2 3 4 5 ( 77) excessive sleeping or napping
1 2 3 4 5 ( 78) excessive involvement in time demanding activities, activities that help me avoid the realities of life
1 2 3 4 5 ( 79) being irresponsible with my life
1 2 3 4 5 ( 80) yoyo dieting (losing and quickly regaining weight)
1 2 3 4 5 ( 81) smoking (legal and/or illegal substances)
1 2 3 4 5 ( 82) eating unbalanced meals
1 2 3 4 5 ( 83) not caring for my health
1 2 3 4 5 ( 84) not wearing seat belts
1 2 3 4 5 ( 85) driving carelessly
1 2 3 4 5 ( 86) driving over the speed limit
1 2 3 4 5 ( 87) engaging in risky or dangerous activities
1 2 3 4 5 ( 88) having suicidal thoughts
1 2 3 4 5 ( 89) acting on suicidal impulses
1 2 3 4 5 ( 90) ignoring the warning signs or symptoms of an illness and not getting proper medical attention
1 2 3 4 5 ( 91) inflicting injury and pain on myself
1 2 3 4 5 ( 92) encouraging or allowing others to abuse me physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually
1 2 3 4 5 ( 93) not defending myself in the face of a violent attack
1 2 3 4 5 ( 94) lying about my skills or competence in order to get ahead
1 2 3 4 5 ( 95) ignoring my feelings in a relationship
1 2 3 4 5 ( 96) sacrificing myself for the sake of others
1 2 3 4 5 ( 97) allowing others to take advantage of me
1 2 3 4 5 ( 98) putting others first, myself last
1 2 3 4 5 ( 99) allowing myself to be the victim
1 2 3 4 5 (100) not working on my self-growth and self-esteem enhancement program for personal recovery and healing
What causes me to act self-destructively?
Reasons for my self-destructive behavior include two main areas: holding anger in and inappropriately expressing it.
When I hold my anger in instead of expressing it in a healthy way, I end up acting in self-destructive ways because I:
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experience depression
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become pessimistic
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feel resentment
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want to get revenge
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end up with a chip on my shoulder
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hold grudges
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wear masks to hide my feelings
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feel bitter and disappointed
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feel powerless to get what I need
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feel like giving up
When I act out my anger in rage or other impulsive ways, I end up acting in self-destructive ways because I feel:
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guilty for my rage
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remorse for hurting others
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embarrassed by my behavior
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disappointed in myself
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like a loser or a failure
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ignored and unwanted
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repentant but un-forgiven for my actions
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afraid to let my anger out again
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like I should be punished in some way
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that my life is not worth living
What are typical characteristics of a self-destructive response to anger?
When I have acted in a self-destructive way regarding anger it is:
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almost always at a subconscious level; I'm unaware of the self-destructive nature of my behavior.
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defeating my personal growth
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a means of sabotaging my growth
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often not clearly connected with the object(s) of my anger
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something I would usually deny as a response to my anger
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a behavior of mine about which I would rather lie than face honestly
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often at the root of my resistance to mature change and growth
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something I hold onto; I can't let go of it easily
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based on my irrational thinking and belief system
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often in direct opposition to the values I profess to uphold
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a paradox that is hard for me to explain
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a habit that has developed over time and is resistant to change
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a behavior I saw in my parents and other members of my family of origin
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often the behavior that ultimately led me to seek out professional help
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something that reduces my self-esteem
What irrational thinking leads to my self-destructive anger responses?
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I am a loser, a failure.
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No matter what I do things will never change.
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This behavior has nothing to do with the way I handle anger.
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A little self-pity is just what the doctor ordered.
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Being a little self-indulgent is healthy. Anyway it's just this one time.
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My life is already a wreck; how could this hurt.
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No one will ever like me, want me, or love me for myself.
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Everyone is out to get me; I have to accept this fact.
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No matter what I do it will never be "good'' enough.
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I can't deal with that problem; I'm too ashamed to fact it.
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It's better to stuff my anger; it's cosmetic and clean.
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Don't bring up a problem from the past if it hurts too much to face it.
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I've gone this long without dealing with it, so let sleeping dogs lie.
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I'd rather stay to myself than be hurt again.
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I have to do it all on my own or it won't be fully corrected.
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Unless I can do it perfectly I won't do it at all.
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I don't need people to help me with my problems.
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It's better not to be too analytical with my own behavior; why create "new'' problems for myself.
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What others call self-destructive, I refer to as "having fun.''
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Everyone needs a little excess in life; we're only human.
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Live life to the fullest and party hearty; life is too short not to enjoy it.
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The only way to have fun is to let it all hang out.
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No matter what I try, I can't stop those behaviors.
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This behavior is what makes me unique, why change?
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My behavior isn't "slow suicide,'' it's just variations on a life-style.
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How else are you supposed to "blow off'' steam?
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This behavior is painless, victimless, and doesn't cost a cent.
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It's not like I murder people with my behavior.
What are the negative consequences of engaging in self-destructive anger responses?
When I resort to a self-destructive response to anger, I:
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get stuck in my efforts to change and grow.
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experience more pain and suffering.
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find that my growth is diminished or lost.
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find myself going backward rather than progressing in life.
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feel irresponsible, flippant, and careless.
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get confused by the differences between my beliefs and my behavior.
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remain both mentally and physically ill.
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am prone to a greater risk for panic attacks or other stress-induced illnesses.
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find the direction of my life out of focus, with nothing is in place.
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give power to people, places, and things.
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resort to addictive or obsessive behavior.
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revert to the old scripts, the old ways of dealing with anger in my family of origin.
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find my anger does not dissipate.
Things I can do to rid myself of self-destructive responses to anger?
First: Identify each specific behavior, attitude, or feeling that is self-destructive.
Second: Try to identify the anger at the root of each self-destructive response.
Third: Define the anger at the root of each self-destructive response by listing in my journal:
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the persons involved:
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the events involved:
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why it angers me:
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how it affects me both then and now:
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why this anger has so much power over me now:
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what resentment, revenge, hatred, or rage is involved:
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how I originally handled this anger:
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why I haven't dealt completely with this anger yet:
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what irrational thinking causes me to act this way:
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what healthy responses to this anger could I substitute:
Fourth: Perform anger work-outs on each issue until I am able to let go of the anger, forgive those involved, and forget the events.
Fifth: Begin to extinguish each self-destructive behavior by:
